Massachusetts First

Lee Greenwood’s song “God Bless the U.S.A.” makes me cringe.

While I appreciate the sentiment and the fact that President Trump opens every rally with this epitome of patriotism, I have personal reasons for my distaste. Actually, it’s more of a second-hand embarrassment stemming from an experience I had in high school.

In my Junior year, I was chosen to attend Dirigo Girls State, a three-day mock government exercise for young women all over Maine. On the last evening, after the “governor” (who happened to be my friend and classmate) and her cabinet had been “elected,” we attended a final inauguration rally-type event. At some point, at the height of teenage patriotism and sisterhood, Lee Greenwood’s song was played. All the ladies stood and began swaying with their hands in the air. Then the worst happened…

 Everyone joined hands.

This may sound like nothing to you, but as an introvert, I was mortified. Nonetheless, peer pressure forced me to participate. That is cringe-worthy in itself, but that is not the only reason I don’t like the song.

As we stood, I noticed the well-rounded girl in front of me was wearing a bubblegum pink bodysuit. Not the modern kind. This was the 1980s. It was cotton, wrinkly, belted with puffy sleeves, and worse—too tight for her over-ample bottom half. When she stood at the peak of patriotism, she had THE BIGGEST WEDGIE.

So now, whenever I hear Lee Greenwood sing the soaring notes of President Trump’s favorite song, all I can picture is a giant pink wedgie swaying to the music. And all I can feel is—not patriotism, not brotherhood of man, not hope for a better America—but rather second-hand embarrassment for that poor girl.

It’s a problem I have tried to work out on my own as I watch the Trump rallies, and it may be lessening a bit, but some high school traumas are a bitch to ditch.

I hope I haven’t ruined the song for you, too.

By Mrs. Gulch